Member-only story
What To Say to the Grieving
It’s a much shorter list than what not to say
Someone you know has lost a loved one, and you have a problem
You run into a neighbor at the grocery store. It’s the first time you’ve seen her since you heard her husband died. She’s not someone you know well — you haven’t lived in the neighborhood very long. You’ve had a few chats with her as she walked her dog past your yard, sometimes with her husband. She was always smiling, always pleasant. You meant to ask them both over for a glass of wine on the patio before the weather gets too cold.
Now it’s too late for that. You’re surprised to see her, alone. It’s only been a few days. But there she is, in the dairy aisle, pondering yogurt containers. And there you are, and she glances up at you and you see the recognition in her eyes, and now there you both are. If you had a momentary notion of respecting her privacy in what people call This Difficult Time, that option just evaporated. The corners of her mouth are already turning upwards in a shadow of a smile; you can’t tell if it’s a protective mask or if it’s meant as a welcome. But you have to say something.
What now? It’s not that you don’t care. It’s just that you weren’t prepared for this.
