To Women: From the Patriarchy
Dear little sisters,
Do not allow yourselves to be misled by the pernicious lies spread on liberal media. We are not out to suppress you or devalue you. Quite the contrary; as women, you are our precious vessels. Whether past, present or potential, you are the containers of our seed, and as any righteous, sensible man does with something of value, we are at pains to protect you.
We know you are easily led astray by the shrill voices of the left, who will say and do anything to distort our message. This is understandable, given your inborn weakness and your wildly cycling hormones that so clearly interfere with your reason. Their unholy influence, left unchecked, can even lead you to the conviction that you must have ungoverned sovereignty over your body and all that goes into it.
We ask you, does the chalice determine when it is filled with blessed wine? Does it have a mood swing and decide it would rather be topped up with kombucha or some other hippie swill?
And once filled, does the chalice imagine it prefers emptiness, and so simply dumps its contents into the dirt, before they can be delivered to those who await?
Of course not. If the chalice were to have any choice at all in the matter, it would wish to be cherished and defended, protected from anything that threatens the fulfillment of its purpose, even unto its own misguided whims.
Dear women, precious vessels, this is what we offer you. Protection, and the assurance that we will allow nothing and no one to stand in the way of your carrying out your highest duty. Not even you.
Hence our unending labors, which are at last coming to fruition in Alabama and Georgia and a growing number of right-thinking states. At last we glimpse a light in the darkness that descended on this country in 1973 with the passage of Roe v. Wade. To redeem an ill-purposed phrase, we shall overcome.
And when we do, dear little sisters, you will be safer from yourselves even than you were before. Prior to Roe v. Wade, there were no heartbeat laws or fetal personhood measures, no laws anywhere that established the supremacy of the embryo, the result of our seed, the vessels’ contents. Step by step, we are righting that wrong.
Because let’s get this straight: as we’ve said, you are precious to us. But that’s because you hold what we put in you. Your confusion on this point is what leads to all the problems. Once we get the Supreme Court to come around, and we are increasingly confident we will, all the confusion will end.
We have a plan, you see. It’s not fully formed yet; we’re still in the spitballing stage. But we are very energized, very excited. Believe us when we say that you will be freer than ever before to fulfill your destiny.
And we promise you, banning abortion is only the beginning.
Here are just some of our proposals, all developed from the logical premise that above all we must protect the most innocent and pure among us, and that is certainly not you:
1. Exclusions for Rape or Incest:
It is true that the laws recently passed in Alabama and Georgia to defend the unborn have no such provisions. We’ve heard a lot of screaming about that, and we’re rather tired of it.
Is it the embryo’s fault that Mommy didn’t have the sense or self-control to either keep her legs shut, or not be out alone after dark, or drink too much, or dress provocatively? If she’d had a gun and known how to use it, she wouldn’t be in this mess. You see, we are all about female empowerment, as long as she doesn’t shoot herself in the hoo-ha.
But we’re not unrealistic. We get that in order to eliminate Roe v. Wade we are likely to have to accept some compromise, such as exclusions for rape and incest. And we can live with that, so long as it’s understood that the woman has a burden of proof that she has actually, legitimately been raped, or messed with by her creepy uncle.
We propose a panel of judges make this determination based on testimony from no fewer than three (preferably male) witnesses that the pregnancy is the result of an abominable act. It will be up to the judges to decide what constitutes an abomination.
We expect this process to take weeks if not months, by which time the pregnancy will be much too far along to be legally terminated (see: heartbeat laws), so the whole exercise is moot, but if it keeps you happy, we’re willing to bend.
2. Travel Bans:
Until we are sure that abortion will be unavailable anywhere in the United States, or indeed the world, we must protect pregnant women from traveling to those states, nations, or regions where you may be vulnerable to it.
Therefore, we propose that once it is confirmed that a woman is pregnant, she will be legally obligated to remain within the legal borders of the state in which she was inseminated, assuming it is one where the laws are just and reasonable and do not permit abortion, until her baby is delivered.
Travel outside the United States can be easily restricted through the use of a special passport stamp. We are still debating as to the best methods for governing intra-national travel: ideas include ultrasound screening at airports for all women of childbearing age; the requirement that pregnant women wear government-issued identifying arm bands until they “show;” or simply disallowing women to travel outside their homes unless they are accompanied by a male relative.
We are leaning toward the latter. It’s simple, and we hear it works pretty well in Saudi Arabia.
3. Restrictions On Internet Use:
Don’t believe the lefties when they call us a bunch of backward old white guys. We keep up with the times, and we count a number of right-thinking women among us (Governor Kay Ivey of Georgia, as a for-instance).
So we know that women, left to themselves, can access non-surgical abortion methods on the Interwebs. Even if they live in embryo-defending states, they don’t have to use coat hangers or drink turpentine anymore. They can just order up some pills and swallow them in the secrecy of their own homes.
Clearly, that has to stop. Proposals include monitoring of interstate mail, with special training and license for postal workers to search and destroy suspicious packages, and/or making it a felony for a woman to access the Internet unless she is in the presence of, or being observed by, a male supervisor or relative over the age of 18.
That would mean we’d have to watch a lot of shoe shopping. Nobody said our job was easy.
4. Monitoring Miscarriages:
We’re not sure exactly how a woman’s body works, but we understand there are times when a perfectly good pregnancy just goes south for reasons known only to God or nature.
Or so women, and their complicit minions in the medical professions, say. How can we be sure, if it’s only their word we have to go on?
We are considering a system like El Salvador’s, where women who have had questionable miscarriages or stillbirths are jailed for aggravated homicide. This will require special training and licensing for health-care workers, in addition to harsh penalties should they neglect to report or comply.
5. Surgical Moderation of Female Lust:
We understand this is a sensitive and distasteful topic, but it must be acknowledged that, left to yourselves, you can be led astray by the dictates of your carnal desires.
Increasingly, it seems to us that this may be the root of the problem. You think you are free to mate with whomever you please, whenever you please, and evidently some of you please to do so a whole lot.
Frankly, it pains us to think of our potential wives and mothers behaving like tramps. That’s what professionals are for, and we can discuss our thoughts on government-regulated comfort women at another time.
For now, we are leaning in favor of what has been a long-standing tradition in countries like Sudan, Sierra Leone and a host of others. Of course we’re not proposing using razor blades or pen knives on your private parts as is commonly done in those benighted nations.
But we are persuaded that the surgical removal, properly carried out in a sterile medical setting, of the parts of you that cause you to sometimes act like bitches in heat, would go a long way toward moderating your troublesome impulses.
Oh, calm down. Don’t start throwing around incendiary terms like “female genital mutilation,” and whine about how we’re just trying to control the most personal aspect of your lives. We just want you to be calm, and happy, and obedient. It’s for a higher purpose, after all. Think of it this way: just like Oprah, we want you to be your best self.
It’s simply that we know better than you do what that best self is.
Please, don’t get upset. It’s not good for the baby.