I'm with Erica Rex on this . . . the premise is cool, but right now it's not yet a novel (but it's a gripping beginning for a screenplay!). Get us invested in your main character (or, even if she's not the main character, Dani) first. And be sure to root us in her point of view, at least long enough to, again, care about her and her predicament (which we'll need to know more about rather than just see the symptoms -- sensory language will come into play here). Only switch to the POV of another character when it's time for the reader to "get to know" somebody else. POV can rocket back and forth in a screenplay, but not so much in a novel. Hope that's any help!

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